I was just looking at a picture from a year ago today, March 27, ten days after surgery. I won’t post it, since I’ve still got an air tube, a feeding tube, and other tubes in both sides of my neck, etc. I’ve got a goofy grin and I look like I’m out of it.

I’ve been thinking about walking today, and remembering there was once a high probability I might not be able to walk or talk. I went to the park again and felt pretty good with my efforts and progress. I got off the sidewalk and walked across the soccer field and along the dirt path, where the ground was less predictable, more natural, if still manmade. I thought about the Knee Nutrition course I taught back in October and how much that helped me strengthen my legs, improve my balance, and get back on my feet.

I thought about the cardio rehab and the treadmill and how I never want to walk on a treadmill again. It served its purpose but the hell with that.

I thought about all I’ve done to get myself better. From rest to eating to gentle movement to medications. I was glad that Dr. Sai recently said I could stop taking plavix.

I thought about the acupuncture I’ve been doing regularly since November, feeling the needles tracing the various meridians, even those in my sternum, lying there with the heat and light pouring into my chest, flowing through my body. Now maybe I won’t bleed so easily.

I thought about the inspirometer I’ve been using again daily, because I want to open up my lungs, even though Dr. Sai said not to worry about that.

I thought about the counseling I’ve been going to since the fall. Because big wounds can take a lot of emotions to heal them, I wanted someone to help me with them, to listen to me talk about it so that Penny didn’t have to carry that weight, too.

One insight from talking. People asked me if I had any kind of out-of-body experience. Well, yes. For me, that began when I was in ICU and I started to become somewhat conscious. Or dream, I’m not sure. But the whole thing was out of body. Weeks and months of being out of my body, my old body, anyway, and trying to get back into it. It was like trying to squeeze myself into a body that was three sizes too small. The friction, the effort. My nerves, my skin felt like sandpaper. Only now am I starting to feel mostly like the inside and outside match up. At least when things are relatively slow and quiet. I’m still trying to fit back in the world, the new world order. Spinning 24 hours a day.

Here is a picture from April 7, a picture from June 12 last year, and a picture from a few days ago. One foot in front of the other. You can go a long way like that.

(The "Walking Mindset" might fit well here.)